| The Snow Falls Again |
[05 Apr 2006|04:17am] |
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The snow began to fall again tonight. As it quickly covered my surroundings with a soft white blanket it reminded me where I am. It's spring time in Ohio and today it does not seem very different from the winter that has just past. Everything just seems to remain stagnant here. Not much has changed since the day I arrived. Only two things really change; my love for a person here and my hate for this awful city both grow each day.
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| Groundhog Day |
[02 Feb 2006|01:33am] |
I spent a lot of time last year feeling like I was trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. Everyday I would try to accomplish things for the next only to wake up the next and find every action had ment nothing and did not change anything. Maybe like in the movie I just wasn't doing the right things. Life isn't like that anymore.
Things are not great but they are better. It really is okay here or maybe I am just okay here. It had been a long time since I could honestly say "I am okay." and I can say it now.
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[01 Jan 2006|08:35pm] |
The snow all began to melt a few days before Christmas and it has yet to return. The weather isn't so terrible. I ordered jackets online today to wear when the cold winds return. I think I am going to be here a while.
There wasn't any type of suicidal rockstar partying to speak of last night. Atleast not for me. I watched The Twilight Zone marathon. I spent the early part of the evening with someone, and the later part alone.
I called a few select friends to wish them a happy new year. I didn't mind being alone. It was a great rarety last year. So it was a nice way to watch the year pass in solatude.
I don't want to reflect on the year that has just past too much. I'll always have the memories, scars and, see the occasional shadow of the events of 2005. I just don't want to get lost in them.
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| Lack Of Inspiration |
[16 Dec 2005|07:21am] |
The weather is absolutely dreadful. Today I could barely find the inspiration to get out of bed. The damp chill radiating from my window did not help. Each time I woke up and realized that the weather had yet to improve I forced myself back into the world of slumber.
Someone called around 5:30. I told them I would have to call them back and then shortly after the phone call I dragged myself out of bed. I decided to dye my hair.
The buzzer rings about 20 minutes post putting dye in my hair. I just buzz the person in assuming it was my cousin. Then to my horror it is not my cousin. It's the someone that called me an hour or so before.
I am so very dorky today.
I was ever so mortified. In other news; " I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite."
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| You Are Here |
[01 Dec 2005|04:31am] |
It's too cold here and I know it will only get colder. I fear the cold front as if it were some type of impending doom. Yet I am still here. I have no immediate plans to leave. Subconciously I wish to remain. I am here.
I got a celluar telephone. The four and the zero seem to be a bit confused in the area code. They should be reversed. I geuss I should get a winter coat soon to prepare for the artic winter. I am still in Ohio.
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| Cold Induced |
[15 Nov 2005|12:42am] |
45°F
Light Rain
UV Index: 0 Low
Dew Point: 41 °F
Humidity: 86 %
Visibility: 9 miles
Pressure: 30 inches Falling Rapidly
Wind: 12 mph SE
Tonight a fogged seemed to creep in with the light mist of rain. The fog covered the moons illuminating beams and grey seemed to fill the air. The crisp chill in the air just added to the ambiance of this somber night. I love nights like this.
When I sat outside the cold air pierced into my body and brought a strong sharp pain to my shoulder and it felt good. It wasn't the dull aching constant pain nor was it the shooting pain that surprises me from time to time. It was different.
Sometimes even when things aren't necessarily going in a way that to be seems for the better a change can still be positive. The acute pain that the brisk temperature beckoned made me feel places that I had thought to still be numb. Perhaps life had not relinquished as much of my arm as I thought. Maybe the cold air was just what was needed to initiate feeling in places that would have been unremembered if not invoked.
Several weeks ago if someone were to just to softly caress the back of arm I would whimper and tears would begin to fill my eyes; now the same action merely makes me cringe with pain. Maybe I just get used to the pain. In other aspects of the word pain I am starting to feel it again. It won't be long before everything is in real time.
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| A Letter To My Readers |
[10 Nov 2005|12:01am] |
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It has come to my attention that people actually read this. So I have went back and re-edited and revised previous entries. Sorry for the grammatical, spelling and whatever other various errors in previous entries. This won't happen again in the future and you have my heart felt apology.
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| Away [Edited a Bit] |
[05 Nov 2005|10:20pm] |
So long, farewell and we will say adu; to you. I hate Atlanta. Maybe I just loathe it at this moment. It has to be something like that.
Externally I nervously shake my leg. While internally I scream and thrash my self into walls as tears steam down my face. I want all my closest friends to be okay but they are not okay; and I am unsure if they ever will be okay. They are just as fuct as me. So now I flee and of course I do this apologetically.
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| No inspirations to speak of |
[22 Oct 2005|03:57pm] |
Since blood is transferable then shouldn’t it be returnable? I mean honestly I did not ask for the two pints I received. I do not really want the gift of life I received and I feel that someone else would get much better use of it. I geuss since after a short period of time the transfered blood regenerated to fit in it’s new surroundings. Alas, I do not now nor have I ever weighed enough to give even one lowly pint.
I met Dazing on a day I looked like absolute hell. (Okay I looked a little bit worse then hell ever would.) He was cool. I was part of the "entourage" for a moment. I left the group early and didn't follow them to the party although one member wanted to kidnap me. Why couldn’t I meet him when I was rocking the Misfits belt buckle and was the token Punk-Goth girl of the Cheetah?
I couldn’t go to the show the next day because of my because of my arm. I can’t go to any shows. I can't do anything.
In closing give me sanity or give me death!
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| Ninth Circle of Hell (Revision) |
[02 Oct 2005|09:19pm] |
In the past when I returned to this awful place it always seemed like such an arctic wasteland. I always come [back here] in the dead of winter so what I then perceived was fitting. With sub zero temperatures do to the wind chill factor and lake effect this place had always been well suited to seem desolate in the past.
Now as I sit here in early October it should be different. Something is wrong, and very wrong at that. s an Indian summer this year and thick summers heat just will not quit. I can not help but realize the truth. It was not the frost that had been keeping everyone inside during all the winter months I spent here in years past. This city was on it's death bed. The Clevelander was a dying breed.
So many buildings have been demolished, abandoned or while still inhabited in dire need of restoration, rehabilitation and/or renovation. The economy grows weaker each day; in a city once booming with industry only 50 years ago most of the people that still reside here are impoverished. The city I was born in and spent so many years in is now almost completely dead.
I did not notice it as much at my last address here. I just thought it was part of living in one of the most deprived places on the west side. The friends I once had were not now seen as some kids with a misdirected dream from the wrong side of the tracks. People like my old friends and the the like were the majority now. Almost everyone that remains with in the city lines were like them or dominated by them.
So much for being convinced that one chilling winter day I would find Lucifer thrashing his wings in as his body stand frozen sea of ice. I am far too concerned now with what part of this city his summers are spent and what delapatated old condemmed house around here he goes to for viewing of the leaves change. But alas this is not Dante's Inferno. It is just an economically deprived city. I know there are places far worse.
It is rather strange though that in the midst in this seemingly urban wasteland there are still many places left undeveloped. While typing this something caught my eye through the window glass. A doe grazing with her two fawns grazing on the neighbors grass. I tried to snap a few pictures but I think they were camera shy. They quickly retreated into the woods at the end of this dead end street. It was the strangest thing, but I must remember that this city never got a modern day chance to get developed so a lot of it is not.
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| It doesen't look so bad if I just close my eyes. |
[28 Sep 2005|11:15pm] |
Clermont Lounge on a Tuesday night used to be so different. I celebrated my birthday a day late. The Clermont seemed like a different place last night in commparasion to the year past. I stopped going there the day before Frankie quit. When he left the scene he was in slowely followed him. It used to make me socialy dizzy to just enter that place, now I just see a few familiar faces.
So I talk to them and we all reminise. With great intensity we hope the future will be better then times past. We drink a little too much for our friends no longer with us. I show them the tape coveriving the place I got stabbed and they show me their scars in comparasion to my scarring wound.
The slightest thing will change the universe. For every action a chain of reaction is born. It's such a common knowledge. I knew a year ago that the next would be different. Maybe I lack imaganation butII never thought it would be like this. As I start the year I have greatest remorse and sympathy for friends that died in the year past and I have such an empathy for those imprisoned. I miss someone way too much at this minute. My heart is in an almost literal sence imprisioned for almost 100 years or something like that. Damn I miss him.
If Pandora's Box isn't just something in greek mytholgy and hope really does exsist then I will just try this year to focus on what was left. I hope everyone lost was not lucky in comparrasion to the ones left, and that my shoulder heels a lot more because unless I close my eyes I can't stand to look at it. I alomost beg for things to be different; then I bite my tounge because when I celerbrate the next anniveresery of my own birth things may be worse.
Whatever exsists in the world around me is in part something I created. A child can be so helpless but as an adult I am know I am not. I try to veiw everything through a better outlook but I feel my vision is almost blinded by pain. My sanity lost is not of any great importance because everyone is crazy but only some people get caught.
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| The Year Comes To An End |
[27 Sep 2005|05:50am] |
Another year of my life has come to an end. I quickly dismissed the previous year and found no reason to celebrate it's passing. I was am rather hesistant to celebrate the new years begining. If 23 isn't better then 22 I am gonna be so pissed. Eeeeh thats most likely going to be better then this. I will bite my tounge before I ever mutter the words it can't get much worse then this again, because as many times as I thought that to be the case last year I was baffeled everytime things got worse.
It can always get worse. No matter how bad things are, no matter what happens thing can always take a turn for the worst. I spent months asking what did I do to deserve all this [I was exsperiencing] while lost in a self loathing world that only exsisted in my head. In the outside world more tragic events happend then I ever could have imagined and now there is a back log of the events that occured in the year past that my brain hasn't even proccessed all of them yet.
There is only a week long time post an event till I actually feel it at it for the first time now. I hope things settle soon so I can feel everything I just can't feel at this minute. I know now that pain can only rise to a certain level of intensity before it reaches it limits. It's somewhat comforting because I don't want to hurt anymore at this minute.
The fact that pain has it's limits is an awesome fact to me at this moment. I do however feel remorse for pain I've yet to feel. I wanna wake up from this nightmare and not remember a moment. But as I sit her and feel more pain then I ever thought exsisted I am reminded that this is not a twisted dream; I can not wake up from this.
This is the current reality of my life. Once I lived in a dimly world that is now so dark even shadows can not exsist. It seems like hell but I must remember I helped create it.
I waited. I watched. I didn't catch my breath there was a chance too. I got lost in stupid things and wandered aimlessly with the reason being I coulden't deal with shit. I didn't speak all the words that I knew needed to be said. I didn't listen when I should have. I imprisioned myself in this awful place. I didn't try to flee when I may have had the only chance of escaping it. It was hell on earth and then far worse. It heightens the tourment to know that helped to create it.
A years time passed but the clock barely moved and soon just froze still. I tried to get away from everything but there was no hiding from this hell. The statement misery loves company is so true it makes me sick. Everyone that got too deep in didn't want to go down alone and pulled everyone else in. It's really sad that in this metaphoric sea people really did drownd because not everyone made it. So many people got way too lost in a world that should have never exsisted and in retrospect I am unsure if this world I remember ever did. With great pain to many friends that are now but a mere memory simply because not everyone can swim.
I miss all of them. No matter though cuz they can't ever come back. I am however slightly envious of them at this point. Maybe they were the lucky ones becuase I know I am still hating it. I don't think any of them were selfish for taking things in their own hands. I just think their world was a little different, more tragic or something like that. Life doesen't always go on, things are not gaurenteed to get better and the phrase whatever doesen't kill you makes you stronger is such a lie. Whoever penned it doesen't know what it's like to feel so dead inside even if it's just in losing part of yourself.
I found love but in this traggic world we were caught up in bullshit. I trapped myself in Atlanta even though I felt it would bring me an untimely death. I couldent leave without saying goodbye very special to me but they couldent say goodbye to me. So I waited and wandered aimlessly till I missed my last chance to get away from this horrible place I was in and got imprisioned in it. I let anger get the best of me and instead and never got the words I wanted from him and got this "Some things said can never be forgotten, and some actions can never be forgiven."
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| Frankenstein Embodied on Me |
[23 Sep 2005|06:05pm] |
I try not to look at it. It doesn't matter though. A numbness runs through my arm as
a dull aching pain flows constantly to remind me of it's presence. It looks like I fought at the enemy lines of a vicious war and fell injured. If my eyes catch a glance they are quickly pulled then set on the goreish site. It's one of those things that is grotesque, but no matter how hard you try to divert your eyes you can help but stare.
Maybe better words to describe it would be found on the pages of a Mark Shelly novel. When I force myself to view this monstrosity "FRANKENSTEIN" is all I can think. I should soon be hearing the angry
villagers with torches in hand winding up the hillside to Frankenstein's castle to see what grotesque monstrosity has been created in the evil laboratory.
Then I flash back into reality. I realize that it's not a tale of
terror. It's not on the pages of a novel by Mark Shelly. I can feel it and it's that feeling of pain reminds me that it does exsist. I see it and shudder just a little bit and feel nauseated by the site of it. It carved into my body and it does seem rather permanent. As the pain lessens and the wound heels a scar appears. With that apperance my hate heightens. heightens my hate.
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